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27

Jan

gq: Dinner, Movie, and A Dirty Sanchez? One female writer laments the um, messy effects of our porn-y culture. An excerpt: I was out with a Brit I’ll call Robbie, because that was what he went by, poor guy. Not Robert or Rob. Or even Bob. A 31-year-old Robbie. It was our fourth date, and we’d already done some things in dark corners of various Brooklyn bars that get kids kicked out of BYU, but he hadn’t, as Jason Segel might say, put his p in my v yet. It was time to take it to a bed. Or at least behind a closed door. So we went back to my apartment and consummated our courtship. There was some fumbling, as there always is at first, especially after a couple of nerve-zapping beers. But we’d managed to get the condom on, the penis in, and a nice back-and-forth rhythm going. We were making sounds like Jodie Foster in Nell. Making faces that signify a stroke. In short: Everything was coming along nicely, pun intended. Then Robbie started talking. Indelicately. Fun fact: Turns out the Brits have their own term for “dirty slut.” The phrase was something like “tidy slapper.” As in “You’re a tidy slapper, aren’t you?” Tidy slappers, I learned, like “big hard cocks.” Robbie’s precoital BBC accent had morphed into a buttery Cockney. It was like I’d wandered onto the set of an X-rated movie called Cherry Poppins. Before I knew it, he was out of me, over me, and breathlessly inquiring, “Where do you want this?” Unfortunately he was not the first nondermatologist to offer a fourth-date facial.

gq:

Dinner, Movie, and A Dirty Sanchez?

One female writer laments the um, messy effects of our porn-y culture. An excerpt:

I was out with a Brit I’ll call Robbie, because that was what he went by, poor guy. Not Robert or Rob. Or even Bob. A 31-year-old Robbie. It was our fourth date, and we’d already done some things in dark corners of various Brooklyn bars that get kids kicked out of BYU, but he hadn’t, as Jason Segel might say, put his p in my v yet. It was time to take it to a bed. Or at least behind a closed door. So we went back to my apartment and consummated our courtship. There was some fumbling, as there always is at first, especially after a couple of nerve-zapping beers. But we’d managed to get the condom on, the penis in, and a nice back-and-forth rhythm going. We were making sounds like Jodie Foster in Nell. Making faces that signify a stroke. In short: Everything was coming along nicely, pun intended.

Then Robbie started talking. Indelicately. Fun fact: Turns out the Brits have their own term for “dirty slut.” The phrase was something like “tidy slapper.” As in “You’re a tidy slapper, aren’t you?” Tidy slappers, I learned, like “big hard cocks.” Robbie’s precoital BBC accent had morphed into a buttery Cockney. It was like I’d wandered onto the set of an X-rated movie called Cherry Poppins. Before I knew it, he was out of me, over me, and breathlessly inquiring, “Where do you want this?”

Unfortunately he was not the first nondermatologist to offer a fourth-date facial.

  1. thecomplaintbox reblogged this from bbook and added:
    Seriously, boys, WTF ?? Jeebus, Makelovenotporn.org. W. T. F.
  2. bqfuckeduup247 reblogged this from gq
  3. thesecretlifeofavirgo reblogged this from gq
  4. ollaway reblogged this from gq
  5. jac3238 reblogged this from gq
  6. theworldisnotenough1 reblogged this from gq and added:
    Cherry Poppins. Cherry Poppins. CHERRY FUCKING POPPINS.
  7. highlydisregarded reblogged this from bbook
  8. merrillkaye reblogged this from gq and added:
    dying. this article though. I think...last line, outside
  9. hayisfourhorses reblogged this from ladyx and added:
    hahaha read this in GQ
  10. unalignedface reblogged this from shorterexcerpts
  11. ladyx reblogged this from shorterexcerpts
  12. shorterexcerpts reblogged this from womaninterrupted and added:
    While this is interesting, I think a ton of this boils down to “good, clear communication between people who are fucking...
  13. womaninterrupted reblogged this from gq
  14. mrandyfrank reblogged this from gq and added:
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
  15. deathbyducttape reblogged this from gq
  16. bee-spit reblogged this from gq and added:
    “Sometimes when a man loves a woman very, very much and they want to start a family, he finishes on her chest.”
  17. missaku reblogged this from gq
  18. daydreamntn reblogged this from gq
  19. thewhiteasylum reblogged this from gq
  20. mybabydelilah reblogged this from ellaytham and added:
    This is so great
  21. poundtownxpress reblogged this from gq
  22. uncheyned reblogged this from gq
  23. ellaytham reblogged this from gq and added:
    this would be funny if it hadn’t happened to me like, multiple times. me & kyra always talk about how easy it is to tell...

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